Marine Biologist: At five years old, marine biologist = playing with dolphins. Before I viewed Florida as a humid hellhole overrun with pythons I imagined myself living by the beach and being a sort of Dr. Doolittle for sea creatures. One day I got a really bad stomachache because I didn’t wait long enough to get in the pool after eating a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich. For some reason that experience convinced me I wasn’t cut out to be a marine biologist.
Harlem Globetrotter: My dad took my brother and I to go see the Harlem Globetrotters when I was in 2nd grade. I was utterly mesmerized by their comedic basketball routine and was undeterred by the nearly endless list of reasons why it would not be possible for me to one day make the team. I tried to juggle basketballs in the house and inadvertently knocked over a crystal vase. To lessen my mom’s anger I appealed to her sympathy by explaining what I was practicing for. She told me I could be anything I wanted to be, even president, but not a Harlem globetrotter.
Professional Flutist: In fourth grade I started taking private flute lessons from a woman named Jenny who had giant parrot in her house that made me slightly uncomfortable. She told my parents I was “gifted”, which is one of the worst things you can say to the parent of a child who is not a bona fide prodigy. In sixth grade I performed “A Whole New World” from Aladdin for my class which I can’t say won me many friends. After two years in band I dropped out because I didn’t want to commit to high school marching band. This broke my dad’s heart, and to this day he makes reference to how I could have been a great flutist had I not thrown in the towel.
Special FX Make-up Artist: A lot of my Friday nights in high school consisted of making demonic masks out of homemade play-doh. After working at Bob Evans I would put a portion of my tips to save up to buy Dick Smith’s Advanced Professional Make-up course. I watched the Exorcist over and over again because I was fascinated by the way he was able to legit make Linda Blair look like she was possessed by the devil. I made my mom cry when I told her I wanted to skip college and move to LA.
Journalist: I majored in journalism. Today I got a letter in the mail from the University of Georgia wanting to know if I had found employment in the communications field post receiving my degree (no) and if I would like to fill out a survey with the incentive of possibly winning an iPod touch (yes). We’ll see what the future holds.
Today in teen center, as testament to my commitment to science education, I had the kids do the Mentos and Diet Coke experiment. Except we didn’t have Diet Coke, but rather a bottle of Diet Pepsi, a bottle of Save a Lot Cola, and a bottle of Giant Eagle Citrus…something. It was cool but not nearly as amazing as the Eepy Bird video below. You really do need Diet Coke and Mint Mentos specifically for the best result. And probably a white lab coat and glasses. There’s currently a world record for 1,911 simultaneous Diet Coke/Mentos geysers.
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Emily —
I just found this via your Tumblr, and I wanted to tell you how funny I thought it was that I, too, got that letter from Georgia a couple months ago, and I wrote my own blog post about it. I reserved my thoughts about it for my personal, depressing-thoughts kind of blog, though. That survey made me feel like a complete J-failure.
Susannah
P.S. I am a “professional flutist” sometimes, and it is not that great. You always have to split your pay with an accompanist when you play gigs because, apparently, no one wants to hear a flute by itself.
It makes me feel better that you had similar feelings upon receiving the letter from Georgia and at the same time makes me feel bad for feeling better. People always bring up how bad the economy is, but I feel like a phony when I use that as an excuse for why I don’t have a job in the field I majored in.
Even though being a professional flutist isn’t all champagne wishes and caviar dreams, kudos for sticking with it and performing. I’m probably going to end up like my mom who always references how she should have kept going to her piano lessons because she’s passed her window of opportunity to master an instrument.